Four Names ~ Giving Meaning, Purpose and Honour

Four names on a page...names that were carefully chosen to give meaning to lives that would never be lived...to give purpose to mourning for what would never be...to give honour to God, who always knows what is best for us.

I've never talked about these names...they were really just for me at the time I chose them, but when I came across that piece of paper I thought maybe it's time to share them.

Forty years ago this week, I had my first miscarriage.

I still have a diary from that time, so I decided to pull it out and see what I wrote. Unfortunately, I bought the diary a few weeks after I miscarried, so anything I wrote was just notes copied from a calendar. I didn't share a lot of what I was feeling. 

One thing I did write was from the day I found out I was pregnant.

January 13
Had a pregnancy test done. It was positive. (due in August) P & F were with me when I found out. R & F's house burned down this morning...............

 I think the second bit of news about my friend's home took away from my excitement over finding out we were going to have a baby. I truly was very happy! But my diary shows there were problems right from the start.

January 14
I have a little bit of blood in my pee and it hurts every time I go. Mom said I should tell the doctor.
January 15
I phoned Dr. B today about my pain when I pee. He gave me a prescription for Penicillin.

 My next entry is almost a month later.

February 11
I had a dark vaginal discharge today. It was kind of pink at bedtime.

 The next few days were much the same. The bleeding continued. February 14th I was admitted to the hospital, and by the following evening, February 15th, It was all over. My journal entries the next two days..."Cried a lot."

 Three days later I got the news that my friend's baby had died of SIDS. The same friend whose house had burned down the day I found out I was pregnant. Her devastating loss made my own loss somehow not nearly as bad, and much easier to bear. 

February 22
Went to the doctor. Everything is OK and I can get pregnant again anytime.   

  A few days later, I write about my mom's health issues....and life went on. Maybe it was the time we were living in, maybe it was my own personality. I simply accepted that this baby was not meant to be.

  It was many years later that I thought to give our baby a name...after my daughter lost a baby, someone suggested she name her baby, and I decided to do the same. I didn't use a name that I would have given, but rather a name that had special meaning. 

 Even though Brian and I were just 21 years old, and had only been together for six months, we knew we wanted to add to our family. This baby was planned and loved, and when we lost him/her it brought us even closer together and strengthened our relationship.

Our next loss came about 6 1/2 years later.

It was now August 1986, and much had changed in our lives. We had two more babies after my first miscarriage; a daughter, who was now 5 1/2 years old, and a son who was almost 3 1/2. We had just moved our house to an acreage and were busy building an addition. I don't know if stress played a part this time or if there were other factors. I'd had some complications after the birth of our son that may have had some lasting effects.

I miscarried at home, and the doctor didn't give an explanation. Again I accepted that this baby was not meant to be...but this time there was a difference. Brian and I had both come to know the Lord over a year before. We knew we would see this baby again someday, and I wanted the name I chose to reflect our trust in Him and His plan, as well as our hope in eternity.

2 Samuel 12: 22-23 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

 But we were still hoping for another child. 

And the following spring I found out I was finally pregnant again. I knew things were not normal with my pregnancy. I was experiencing a lot of pain in my lower right abdomen. I don't remember how many times I went to emergency, but eventually, my pregnancy test came back negative and my doctor explained what was going on. I had an ectopic pregnancy; the egg had implanted in the fallopian tube rather than in my uterus. I needed surgery. 

 At the time, we were homeschooling our children and I'd taken a part-time job as a waitress to help with finances. I'd barely been working two weeks and I'd been having misgivings about the job, especially because the cafe was connected to the bar. When I lost the baby I never went back.

Again, we had peace in knowing that this was God's will, and he gave us the strength to go on. 

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

It was about 6 weeks since I'd had surgery for the ectopic pregnancy.

As unbelievable as it sounds, I was pregnant again! I'd been having some of the same issues, and had been in and out of the hospital. I knew in my heart what was happening...the excruciating pain of an ectopic pregnancy is not something you ever forget, but it would come and go, so my doctor ordered an ultrasound to be sure. 

I'd been asked to give my testimony at a ladies retreat. Public speaking was not something I was accustomed to doing and usually avoided. It was the morning of the retreat and I was going with a friend and neighbour. On the way, we stopped at the clinic so I could pick up the papers for my ultrasound for the following day. I quickly ran inside, grabbed the papers and ran back out. As soon as I was back in the car, I knew something was wrong. By the time we arrived at the retreat, I felt terrible. I knew I had to get back to my doctor. I made arrangements for my sister in law to watch the kids, and my friend drove me to our small-town hospital. A few questions and an examination determined that my fallopian tube had ruptured; I was bleeding internally. Although my doctor had performed my last surgery, he felt that I should see a specialist this time. Brian, who had been working nights, was at home sleeping and had to be woken up to drive me to the city. 

I was scheduled to give my testimony at 2 pm that afternoon. 

I asked my friend to take my place and read it for me, and she agreed.

This is an excerpt from the beginning:

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

 I think Adeline has been asking me to give my testimony for the past two years and up until now, I managed to get out of it. 

I don't know, but I sure hope that line got me a laugh! 

I won't share the entire testimony here, it's way too long, but I'll skip to the end.

  In the past two months, I've spent several days in the hospital...I was completely prepared to go through this again if that was God's will. Something I wasn't prepared for was to wait a week and see what happens! 

  I felt too good to need bedrest but I know God has a purpose in all things. But what? Was he teaching me patience? I certainly needed some! Was he preparing me for something? I didn't know, but I was willing to wait and trust God, again. 

  After two days in a hospital bed, reading my Bible and listening to Christian music, I suddenly realized that God was giving me just what I needed. Time with Him, with no distractions like at home. It's not that He was teaching me new things, just getting me back where I needed to be: Close enough and still enough to hear His voice.

  I'd spent so much time thinking about myself and my problems, always asking for God's will of course, but a part of me was clutching at his throne, instead of listening for his voice. I was being self-centered instead of Christ-centred.

  I suddenly let go and realized that it truly doesn't matter what happens with this pregnancy or any other problem. God's will will be done and I will continue to love and serve my Lord, seeking first His kingdom. If I just keep my eyes on Him and forget about myself, God will do what is best for His plan in my life.

At 2pm, I went in for surgery. God's timing is perfect!

As difficult as it was to not only lose our baby but also any possibility of ever having another child, I don't think I've ever been so close to God. The time I'd spent in the hospital reading God's word, and writing my testimony had prepared my heart and I'd been able to share that with Brian...not to mention all the ladies who heard my testimony. Knowing that my words concerning God's plan for our baby and for us were spoken at the exact time that I was in surgery...I can't begin to explain the impact that had on me. It may seem a small thing, but to me, God's hand couldn't have been more clear. He had orchestrated every detail, right down to the minute. How could I not trust that He had a far better plan than we could ever imagine?

I'm reminded of these verses...

Psalm 139:13-17 

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. 

God formed our baby and knew him/her. 

Although Jaden never came forth from my womb, he was created with a purpose and he had a message... God is sovereign. God has a plan for each life he forms. 

God had heard our prayers and He answered. He had a plan for our baby and for us. It may not have been what we had hoped for or expected, but God's will is always best and always has a purpose. 

  

Isaiah 43:19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

 Remember, I chose this name for our baby many years later, and I managed to find the perfect one. We had been praying for God's will and he answered. We had no idea what the future held. We accepted that our family was complete, and we were perfectly happy with that. Little did we know that two years down the road, God would open a new door and a whole new world to us through fostering and adoption.

You can read more about that here: Our Foster Adoption Story

My prayer is that the story of these four names will be a help to someone else who may be experiencing a similar loss. 

I pray that if you don't already know the Lord, you'll turn to him now. You can trust that God does have a plan, not only in this situation but for your life. 

Maybe you are a believer, but you're not seeing the hand of God as clearly as I did; you may not understand the 'why' or see any purpose to what you're going through...and maybe you never will this side of heaven. I pray that through the pain and the tears, you know that God is right there with you and will see you through.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

This is the 3rd post in a series: Stories Of Love & Loss

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